Just a Girl at a Bar

Third week of January. Third week of rehersals. Thursday evening. No one had to work early the next day. We're done at 10. Drinks? Yeah, sure. Hell yeah! Where at? Kevin, you been here before, what's good?
We went to a bar I thought I had been in before. One from last year, couple of guys from the band and the come-hither hottie serving drinks. One where I heard "King of Carrot Flowers" played on the jukebox. You never hear that song in public. This wasn't the bar, but here we were. All of us. Two circle tables pushed together, half of us fast-flinging fingerspellers, the other half loud-talking others.
Didn't really wanna be there. Stopped drinking habitually. Bars are too loud for me. Conversation gets lost, drowned in the squelch or yanked by a drop-dead hook. So I arrived already comfy. Dressed a little like I was askin' for it. Christine took one look at my preppy cardigan and shook her head slowly. Oh, brother. Or so her face said. Neither table is drawing me particularly, so I start out playing waiter. Everyone else picks a side and I end up losing musical chairs. Boo-hoo. I gather orders and take to the bar. The husky-voiced bartender is a little plump, but she's catchin' me, so that's cool. People scuffle, people leave. Something opened up right next to the Lighting Designer. Don't know him. Perfect. Bring some drinks back and collect money. Gina slips me a fifty. She's got first round. I go back to Miss Smoky to pay.
And I catch her out the corner of my right eye. Redhead, purple shirt, tall, slim dancer's build. Slow reveal towards me showed distant eyes framed by sweet pointy glasses. She is perfect. Exactly what I like. I'm horrible at chatting up girls at bars. So much so I don't even try anymore. So she'll be the most visited landmark on the scenery of the evening.
I'm chatting at the tables, making small talk, nursing my Blue Moon. She's sitting at the table directly to my left. Two other friends, a stack of cups, and a pitcher of Bud. I'm listening to dude next to me, trying not to look so blatant. The girls still flinging their conversation cross the table to my right. Something about training for the Marines, rolling your own cigarettes, yeah, dude, I'm with you. Redhead gets up to move. Can't mistake her for a second. She heads over to the girls flittering away. She starts to flitter along. Holy shit, she can sign.
I'm committed now. I couldn't hide anything if I tried.
Christine is all over this, talking animatedly to the redhead. Pulling out postcards, writing down notes, explaining the whole operation.
"The whole show's done in sign language, and we'll have it captioned as well, and these three girls are Deaf, they're in the show, and Kevin over there, he's hearing but he signs very well, he plays the lead."
She's staring at me. I know she is, 'cause I'm staring right back. Everyone can see this, can't they? There's like, something going on between us, right?
Isn't there?
She comes over to introduce herself. Her name, she's from New York, recently became Deaf due to,... something something. I'm listening, I really am, but I can't put two words together to save my life. I'm so incredibly amazed that this girl is even talking to me. Her nose ring, her bright eyes, her gorgeous body. Her voice is strong, but the signing really helps in the bar. After making a complete fool out of myself and her returning to her table, I head outside for a smoke break. Lighting guy follows me too. We're not a minute into freezing our asses off when she comes outside with one of her friends, lighting a cigarette and loudly talking about placing bets on the Packers. No one can ignore that. Some more exchange of words outside. Why does it have to feel so difficult to talk to her? Why is this even happening? She's meant to be a landmark, a beautiful eye-catcher in a sea of monotony. What is she doing talking to me?
This is supposed to be happening, right?
Her party takes off before we do. She comes over to me before she leaves. Squeezes my bicep as she says goodbye.
I knew at that point that I would see her again.

To Be Continued


----------------
Now playing: Neutral Milk Hotel - The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. One

The Jig Is Up

This is no joke.

Last night I realized my life's ambition.

It was as if someone peeled away the foliage and a shining path lay there all along.

When implemented, this plan will bring only good and will make all my dreams come true.

This thing is so big that nothing else matters. It's as if I was given the plans for checkmate for my life. All the steps are right there. As soon as I take them, everything opens up and falls into place.

Basically put, the answer is:
Where have I been for the past seven years?

It begins with a microphone, an empty stage, and light.

It ends with a book tour.

----------------
Now playing: Fastball - You're An Ocean

Came across this while doing my thang on Wikipedia.

Learned helplessness

This puts a whole lotta pieces together.

Submission

If I glance over to look at you
Furrowed brow
Sheepish grin
Muttering something about how I tend to overanalyze things
Please realize
The brow will never be resurfaced
The grin is anchored by dimples
This mutter cannot be more understated

Last year: Rollercoaster of a lifetime
Always edging forward
Speaking the future
Meeting opportunity
No wrong moves
This year carried hope that
Lightning strikes twice
Does it ever?
Everything's trapped in sap
Either suctioning sideways
Or ever sloping southward
All attempts are equal
Every result the same:
Wait and/or Fail
Wait and/or Fail
Yet
I swear
Nothing here is wrong
Fairly sure of it
Intentions held ever true
Methods still improving
But they are my own
And I feel every fault
Imperfect but so it goes
Chuang Tzu spoke of this
Madman singing at the door
"When the world makes sense
The wise have work to do
They can only hide
When the world's askew."

Conventional wisdom dictates
Flipped on its head
The root remains and the weed
Gains a new genus
Dandelion becomes flower, another rose
By any other name

"Surrender" : Process :: "Submission" : Destination

If progress is halted
Then let me stand still
Denied the greener grass
Though now grows not brown
My goal is out of grasp
So heaven becomes here
It is time
To live the luxury of the meek
To play prey instead of predator
To yell out Hello World
Alone + Easy Target
Free Hot Lunch
Guy Fawkes for Hire

The universe is giving a bye
A year-long Labor Day Weekend
Seven deconstructs
into Three and Four:
Own the mirror's warts
And bask in everyone's beauty
This equals enlightenment???

Like
Milkweed seeds ending up in window boxes
Thistle redeposited from backwoods to downtown
Cross-pollination aided by migratory swallows
Life finds a way
It must:
Form follows function

Aaaaaaaaaaaaa...

So this is why
My life is crap
People see me as a threat
I am exactly where I'm supposed to be
And my furrowed brow
sheepishly grins

"Every man knows how useful it is to be useful
No one seems to know
How useful it is to be useless."


Quotations from:
"Confucius and the Madman", The Way of Chuang Tzu, translated by Thomas Merton, c. 1965 Abbey of Gethsemani
----------------
Now playing: XTC - The Mayor of Simpleton
via FoxyTunes

The Ultimate Chortle

These thoughts, when popped into head, always elicit the brightest grin from me:

My life is crap
People see me as a threat
I am exactly where I'm supposed to be

I believe that the world ends in one big huge bellylaugh. I believe that the Big Crunch at the end of the universe kaplongs into one God-sized guffaw. The big joke's on us. You work, you build, you slave, you risk. The last page's the same in everyone's book.
How tragically hilarious to be born unto this world of ironical sin.

----------------
Now playing: R.E.M. - The Great Beyond
via FoxyTunes