Cosmic Irony?

You be the judge.


The below stories are true.

24/October/2007
11:38 pm

I am sitting on a cold metal bench in an abandoned Police Station on the South Side of Chicago. It is the set of Chicago Overcoat. I am decked out in full cop regalia: Badge, nameplate, regulation blue shirt, utility belt, walkie-talkie, and even a replica 9mm pistol. I look good. It is the first film set I've been on all year and it feels like home. A bunch of us actors and extras sit in the "greenroom" area swapping glory stories of near-misses with celebrities and being spotted by random people. Most everyone is just scratching for screen time but I'm one of the very few who's collecting a paycheck. Craft services is overflowing with snacks, food, fruits and veggies, gum, and there's even a fully catered meal. There's no real name actors on set today, but rumors abound of Sopranos regular Frank Vincent and '50s crooner/Jersey Boy Frankie Valli showing interest and even possibly attached to the script. My group shoots two scenes, both involving a fight between two detectives, its climax a beaten-down water cooler splattering everywhere. The other two cops and me all ham it up in costume and the short cute blonde playing the secretary won't leave my side between takes. Cracking jokes with the casting director, the costume ladies, the lighting crew. Share some stories about actual run-ins with cops and how to talk yourself out of a ticket. We were supposed to be done at 3:00 am but we wrap two hours early, meaning I can actually go home and perhaps catch a nap before I open the store.

25/October/2007
1:43 am

I am sitting on a plastic chair in a waiting room of the Des Plaines Police Station. I am waiting for the cop who pulled me over to tell me if I can leave tonight. I took the Kennedy home and got off at River Road, like I usually do. Was driving down River Road in Des Plaines when I pass two cop cars on the left side of the road. I was driving the limit but one of the cars does a U-turn and begins to follow me. I keep myself at the limit but after a good mile the cop flashes his lights and pulls me over. A nice cop, he cites me for a very loud muffler and after tailing me he notices my licence plates are expired.
ASIDE: My car was purchased with an aftermarket muffler so loud I have had the profoundly Deaf ride in my car telling me, "This car's loud!", but I have driven it in the late, late of night and the wee, wee of morning, and this is the first time any cop has pulled me over for noise.
After asking for my licence and insurance he points out that my Driver's Licence is expired and he can't legally let me drive. I follow him to the station where he says with my compliance we can clear everything up for $75. I have $50 cash on me and no ATM card. Since I haven't been arrested ever, he tries see what he can do for me. The waiting room is locked from the outside. It contains a graffiti-scratched metal table, two busted plastic chairs, yellow-stained walls, trilingual metal signs, and a pay phone. Through the thin rectangular window in the door I can see myself hunched over in a chair, slightly rocking, on the Closed-Circuit monitor in the main office. How long will this take? Who can I call for $25 at this time of night? Will I get to work on time? Will I get out of here tonight? After what feels like a week the cop returns with a ticket for expired plates and expired licence. They say they procured an I-Bond for me. I sign a paper, they let me go. Court date's in December. Cop told me already he ain't showing up. He sees my army jacket and asks if I'm military. After I deny he says he could've cut me a better deal. I tell him I'm starting with the Green Berets tomorrow. I get home an hour before I have to leave for work.



SOOOOO relieved he never asked me to open my ashtray...