Lost and Floundering

I'm really at a loss of most everything nowadays.

Honestly, with everything I've been focusing on in the past couple months or so, I completely had no idea just what would happen this week. Yeah, I took into account many different outcomes and the pros and cons of each, but nothing was really able to prepare me for reality.

I really had my heart set on going to New York for training. I had planned out ways to tell my boss I was leaving. Tried to search my memory banks for people I knew who lived in Manhattan. And how would I handle two different rents in two different cities? I was ready to take on this challenge. So ready. Not that I wasn't ready to stay home and continue my career. But that really had a different progression: If I had to stay with Saks, I would've spent a lot of time attempting to change careers, taking on a position with a Medical Staffing Agency and transitioning back to hospital work. Plus, continuing on my writing and performing, still aiming for that Late spring/Early summer deadline for my one-man-show.

But now nothing seems right. I'm really at the point of doubting most every decision I make now. I was so sure and dedicated with every choice I made for myself that it just seemed like it would all work out to my expectations. I've been given a lot of luck this year, which reinforced my ironclad beliefs in my potential. And, honestly, I can't believe one non-response from one audition is placing me in such a hole.

I have no idea what step to take now. Sorta stabbing blindly in the dark. Started up a whole new website, proposed a whole new publishing venture, and just yesterday I spent most of my time looking up apartments and condos 'cause I'm so wanting to move closer to the city. And I'm loudly proclaiming this to the Internet because, underneath it all, I'm craving attention. I'm wanting so badly for someone to look at me and think I'm cool. 'Cause I feel like such a douchebag.

Granted, it's not even been a week since the audition, but I'm already sick of the aftermath. This is why I ceased auditioning in the first place: I would build myself up so much, knowing I was worth every part I tried out for, and just got pissed off to hell when nobody called. I ended up taking it way too personally. And in the end, all I want to do now is work for myself. It makes little sense to me to put all of my talent down in a dancing monkey act for someone else's means. I can do my monkey act for myself. I play a damn good monkey.

So yeah. Limitless potential, ecstatic impatience, and no place to go. No, that's not completely true. I want to work for myself. That's probably the clearest, most definite idea I've been able to take from this whole fracas.