STARTLING PERSONAL OSCAR-WINNING CONNECTION DISCOVERED!!!

NORTHFIELD, IL -- After reading this article on Tuesday afternoon in a suburban Starbucks, local barista Kevin Swatek discovered he had a distant, fleeting connection with highly-lauded and incredibly sexy former stripper and Best Original Screenplay Oscar winner for the hip independent teenage pregnancy flick, Juno, Ms. Diablo Cody, nee Brook Busey, herself a Chicagoland native from western Lemont. Upon realizing this connection, Mr. Swatek almost spat up the latte he had just made for himself.

"What the?... Gah!", Mr. Swatek sputtered. "Who... what... huh? Hey! That's so cool! I kinda sorta knew her!"

After a few more seconds another discovery sparked in his brain: "Damn! I used to be her boss!"

The grand epiphany happened after Mr. Swatek read this item in the Chicago Sun-Times article: "...creative writing award winner at Benet [Academy in Lisle, IL] (Class of '96) and a graduate of the University of Iowa, where she hosted a pre-dawn radio show." Mr. Swatek claims he is a graduate of the same institution where he attended from 1995 to 1999. He offered as proof his college ID card, which he briskly plucked from his chain wallet.

The college ID Mr. Swatek removed from his wallet.

"And I still kept it too! All these years! Still gets me into places for cheap! Check out how long my hair is! Y'know, if I keep clean-shaven, I still look like that! Still got it, baby!"

Mr. Swatek continued in saying that one of his extracurricular activities at the school was working at the college radio station, KRUI 89.7 FM. Along with duties as an on-air DJ and production engineer, he mentioned he also held the position of Assistant Program Director during the 1996-97 academic year, its sole purpose being to schedule the new on-air talent to the daily 4-7am shift.

"We put them on early in the morning because that's when our listenership was lowest, so when they screwed up they wouldn't feel so stupid. We don't want them on in the afternoon when everyone skips classes, do we? They suck! Even less people would listen to us!"

Mr. Swatek could not remember any personal encounters with the former Ms. Busey, using the phrase, "couldn't pick her out of a crowd." "But," he added, "I'm sure I heard her voice on an answering machine when I called about her shift. Cool! I knew her phone number!" Independent research could not find any lists of University of Iowa Alumni where Kevin Swatek was included.

Customers to the Starbucks where Mr. Swatek currently works paint an altogether different but consistent reaction to his discovery.

Bud Miller, a 43-year-old local businessman, had this to say: "The man's a complete whackjob. He talks to one person like a Scotsman, then to another like a New York cabbie, then he flames out and gays it up for the ladies he works with. Who can believe one word this guy says?"

"Oh my god, what a goof!", said Gergana, a 34-year-old nurse at Evanston Northwestern Hospital. "He throws the cups up and catches them behind his back before he makes the drinks. He's cute, but my kids think he's crazy."

After hearing for the 10th time that shift all about Mr. Swatek's discovery, most of his partners at work responded with the same question: "What's Juno?"

Diablo Cody was unavailable for comment.