This isn't said monologue. I'm having major issues delving into this material, especially in a manner which pleases me. When I write I tend to form and edit in my head before I get it out on paper. This allows for perfect phrasing and form, but it's hell with getting projects done in a timely manner. Many get abandoned. So, for the sake of progress, I'm just gonna run through events of the first year just to get the pieces out so I can put them together later.
2002. Months earlier I moved back to Chicago from Iowa. I was at the start of a massive breakup, a feeling akin to what I could only describe as a divorce. Tail tucked between my legs, I moved back into my parents' basement. Very depressed, very self-destructive. Was already knee-deep into a healthy drinking bender. My main goal for that period was getting myself to Vancouver for school. Acting or writing, acting or writing? Was working two jobs, saving money, and jumping through all the hoops needed for study abroad. Nobody wanted me to go, not from my family. "Why Canada? Why can't you learn acting here? It's so far away by yourself..." Had to fight for my actions against a lot of people, people I thought would be proud and excited for my big decision. In the meantime my desire to perform was so powerful that I took up free improv classes through the Chicago Reader to sate my appetite. Learned Meisner, Hagen, all under the tutelage of a Second City legend. Bar Louie afterwards; driving back to suburbia from the Gold Coast, that late at night, as drunk as I was... it's a miracle no one was killed. Then the Second City classes at the Metropolis in Arlington Heights. Head off to Harry's afterwards for drinks and whatever. Fuckin' Tuesday Night! Again, it's amazing my police record isn't longer after my 2am driving hijinks getting home. Did get to perform on Wells street. Jelly on Saturday nights in the Skybox and class shows on the e.t.c. stage. Saw Rachel Dratch's handwriting on the set backstage. The energy of that room is unbelievable.
Body modification occurred heavily this year. I started out with three piercings: left lobe, right cartilage, left nipple. I ended with five piercings, a tattoo, and scars. Lots of scars. I began cutting as a way to curb the drinking. That, plus some masculine macho thing about battle wounds and healing. Nothing life-threatening. All incisions were thin scratches made at the shoulder. Why else would I consider a shoulder tattoo? But the end of the year brought big things that would later prove to never be covered up. One piercing was meant to be a symbolic end, the other a self-imposed dare, the one piercing I never thought I'd ever do. Thing is, all actions were made under months of research and inquiry. Learned all about tribal art and talked to many people who had had stuff done before. Foolhardy decisions made under as erudite and controlled an environment as personally possible.
Vices also played heavily. Drinking, blah blah blah... It's amazing how when you talk one language you automatically attract people who speak in kind. New substances, odd places. Inappropriate places. Not back-of-Volkswagen inappropriate; on-the-job inappropriate. Taking major advantage of the fact that I worked many overnights. And that I worked with the Deaf. Lots of guilt involved as well, detoxing and retoxing. There was this one time at work when I was celebrating a month of sobriety. Didn't consider the hearing woman sleeping in the next room while I was vomiting. She disavowed knowledge. Apparently I can't.
Sex and relationships were askew this year. Ended up dating two girls at the same time, both Geminis, both of whom I worked with and did shows with. Same job, same shows, all three of us. One of them was beloved by my brother, the other was the first time I got laid in my parents' house. Outside of that rigamarole I spent a lot of time learning about myself. Lots of porn, lube, toys, self-exploration. Wanted to prepare myself for more adventurous times. Most of the year, though, I was aloof in this area. Between the blow I was dealt in leaving my whole life in Iowa and the fact I knew I'd be leaving for Canada eventually made me stick mostly to myself during this time. Plus I was dealing horribly with the break-up and shame of living at home.
Spirituality was in its infancy and journaling was in full-spread production. I was juggling three journals: Dayplanner for chronicling everyday events, Meditation to record my progress, and another for everyday thoughts and issues. Because of my rapid descent into vices I was keeping tallies of different habits: Whether I drank or not, smoked or not, how many cigarettes per day. I was also paying more attention to my dreams and recording any kind of details I could remember from the night before. I was, however, just starting to compile my altar and rituals. Taoism and Buddhism sat prominently with my mindset, but numerology and astrology fit strongly into the structure. Tarot cards, Qabalah, and spellcasting became more influential to me due to a friend who did a Tarot reading for me at work one evening. He used a Crowley Thoth deck, and I fell right into it. I found a how-to book at Border's about Buddhist prayer rosaries - malas - and made myself three, one carnelian, one sandalwood, and one tiger's-eye. But so difficult to find time to sit and focus on breathing. Lucky to make it 5-15 minutes in one sitting. I began taking Sunday walks in the park district woods nearby, a habit I would carry through the seven years. Most of my supplies: Candles, incense, stones, books, chimes; they all came from Iowa. Everything was stored in a steamer trunk meant for easy transportability.
The first chakra is red, located at the root of the spine, the anus. It controls pure primal energy: Eating, sleeping, fighting, fucking, the basest of instincts. It is represented by a snake coiled around an egg, the male Kundalini power as dictated by the Hindu religion. Its energy can be guided by the minerals Garnet, Bloodstone, Hematitie, Petrified Wood. It is considered a more masculine energy source because it is so close to the testes on men, whereas the second chakra, the passion chakra which rules over the reproductive organs, is considered more female due to its proximity to the ovaries on the female.
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