Compassion For Boxing Lessons

Thoughts turn to vapor before their conception
Is it Zen or apathy?
I hear music, but it won't invoke anything
It stays static in the air
Won't give a spark, won't stir the coals
Just lingers in the air
As if it liquefies into water and slides off my oily mind
But even my oiled mind won't set into motion
Insert coin here
Turn the crank
Hook up the cables and give it a boost
Nothing
Quiet
Dormant
Stationary
I am aware of
Bad pop music on the jukebox
The smattering of people among the rather vacant booths
The fact that I've have half an hour before rehearsal and I've done nothing really practical today
The fifth-rate prose I've written after months of a dry spell
The day feels frivolously wasted
I'm not even daydreaming, a scary thought
Is it worth it?
Is this a much-needed rest, or am I succumbing to my Libran laziness?
I should exercise
I should try to work up an appetite today
I should make the day worthwhile somehow
I should go out and do something
But I don't feel like it.
Angsty
Desireless
Pensive about wanting to be pensive
Frustrated
I want to sleep and start the day, the year all over again
Fucking time won't allow
Unidirectional bastard
I want to do nothing and have everything completed
But it's not happening
Broken responsibilities
Casting off necessary ballast
Piece-of-shit goddamn motherfucker
Fucking with my head
Making me feel useless
Unworthy
Stupid
Like a goddamn boil on the face of humanity
Pissed-off
I want to break something
I want to smash plates on the floor and listen to every delicious crash
I want to beat the shit out of a random passerby
I want to come home bruised, bloody, scarred and satisfied
Fuck guns; What a pussy way to inflict pain
Let's tussle on the ground, pull hair, tear skin, dig in nails until blood pours out
Punch in the gut and make him deflate and melt into a puddle on the pavement
Stand over him and just cackle as I kick him in the ribs until something snaps
No remorse
Not one fucking ounce of remorse
Walk away proud, content, and ready for more with the biggest grin on my face
As if I just came into a virgin who fought back
Walk around and have people not respect but fear me
Know that I have such power over them
Never take anything back
Never worry about the consequences tomorrow
Never be scared anymore
Fuck up someone's face until their Mom doesn't even care to know him
Make it deliberate, unrepairable, permanent
And sing arias all while it's happening
I have wanted to smash a guy's nose into my knee
Drive bone into bone into brain
Leave a crimson butterfly stain on my pant leg
Not smack someone across the head but emboss my knuckles into their cheek
I'm just pissed off and frustrated
Repressed, I guess
It's been so long since I've regularly been a part of my friends' lives
Since I've been a part of someone's intimate life
Since I've been a part of her life
I miss her. A whole fucking lot
But I don't like what she's become
A selfish drunken tart with no sense of object permanence
She daily hangs off the elbow of that alcoholic asshole author
And still, for reasons only Allah knows, she floods messages on my answering machine
And like a goddamned dog, I hear the beeps and salivate
Let her mop up the floor with me
Ask for nothing in return, even plead for no remittance
Stupid-ass weak-kneed motherfucking pussy
I'm way too good
Not only for her but for most everyone else I know
I'm too good for my own good
Need to be like every other 23-year-old
Need to learn to play by the rules, even if the rules were written by the largest group of freeloading retarded monkeys
Motherfucking psychotic hedonistic meat puppets
Apparently, the true love doesn't enter life until your 30s
Any earlier and it's a mutation, an anomaly, a freak of human nature
“You haven't experienced enough to really know what true love is.”
The biggest lump of pure Grade-D bullshit I've heard
Motherfucking puritanical dribble copout
Music again
The same fucking song I heard twice over when I was in here earlier today
Ate too much too fast
Getting too tired to be rageful
Blah
Nothing
If I were a cartoon, a black scribble cloud would form over my head
Good Motherfucking Grief, Charlie Brown
I'm not happy
I haven't really been genuinely happy since things were going wonderfully with her.
I know she's happy. Weirdly happy. My fucking eye.
The girl could find happiness in a motherfucking scratch on the wall to stare at.
I wouldn't be bothered as much, but everything's happening right under my goddamn nose
I worry to death when I don't know, I beat myself up when I do know
I want to not care
I've overpaid my dues and there's no fucking rebate
Time to punch the clock and return to me
And what a mess I am
I don't understand...much, really. I like to think I do, but it all comes back in my face and I end up looking and feeling like an idiotic fool
Self-esteem shot through the basement
Happens way too often
Can't really shut it off
Listening without digestion or reaction; a fool's game
I've lost sight of how others see me
I reinvent myself every day
Consistency for shit
I need to buy a strong, steadfast personality and implant it into my spine
Right now I can be anyone at all
Right now people want someone for the moment
I don't match
I have become cumbersome to this world
Clunky and tangled, a child's scribble of impotence
Even my dick agrees
Male sensitivity isn't supposed to be inborn, it's supposed to emerge from the female in your life
She can “change” him for the better
Uh-huh
My ass.
This is who I am, and I can't hide from it.
Right now I hate the situation, but, God help me, I can't pass on just yet
I want a lot of what I haven't got
I'd gladly trade
Two pounds of sensitivity for two of aggression
A good listening ear for an everpresent libido
Compassion for boxing lessons
All who I am for a girl to want me
Fuck shit goddamn pissant cocksucking bastard
I feel
Unacceptable
Rejected
Disposable
Unnecessary
Stuffed into a shoebox and shoved on the top shelf of a guest room closet
Saved for later
I need an expiration date
Mold away, decompose and help form other, better things